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Stages in a Narrative Mediation Process (Family Mediation)
1. Hear about people's hopes for mediation
2. Hear brief story of conflict/problem and where appropriate give it a name
- Respond to the story using externalizing language:
* If we were to think of a name to describe this problem, what would you call it?
Ask about the conflict/problem's history
- * How long has this dispute been around in your lives?
- When did these effects of the problem first become noticeable to you?
- What's the history of this problem doing to you?
- Was there a time when things were different before this problem came along and took charge?
Listen for and ask about the back and forth effects of the conflict
- * What was the sequence of events that took place?
- * When he/she did that, what did the conflict invite you to do in response?
- So what would you call this whole cycle of events that has gone back and forth between you both? What's a name we could agree on?"
- So it sounds like this whole cycle of events started to take over and just got you feeling madder and madder at each other
Explore the effects of the conflict/problem on the people involved
- * How has this problem (this conflict, this situation, this dispute, this argument) invited you to act, think, feel, respond?"
- "I feel real hatred towardsÂ…r." "So the conflict has got you to feel a very strong feeling like hatred. How did it manage to take over your feelings in such a strong way?"
- What would be your guess at how much "blame" is in charge of your view of the problem? To what extent is it stopping you from resolving your differences? How much are you in charge?
- What has betrayal done to the excitement that you both shared when you first started together?
- What is the agitation doing to you?
- * In what ways has the argument/problem affected you and your family/children? (followed by: "In what other ways...? Has it affected your business, personal life, hopes for the future, trust of other people, sleep, performance of your role, friendship, quality of rest and relaxation, relationships with other people, self?confidence, attitude towards customers, emotional life, beliefs, family life, bank balance, employment, etc ?)
- Are there any ways in which this conflict has got you acting out of character?
- What has this argument cost you?
- What has the upset deprived you of?
- * Who/what else has been affected by this problem to your knowledge?
Where appropriate, ask about the assumptions behind the conflict story
- * Bob/Nancy, what are your ideas about your role as a parent? Where did you get these ideas?
- * What do you both think custody means? What ideas do you have about what children need?
- How much do you accept the legal definitions of these things and how much would you prefer to do things your own way?
- What has been silencing you from speaking up more about some of these things?
3. Explore the direction parties wish to go: More of the same? Getting worse or new directions?
- I'm wondering how far this conflict can go. Has it done its worst yet? Could it get worse?
- * Which is your preference? Periods of cooperation or the arguing and bickering?
- Has it pushed you as far as you both are prepared to go or are you still willing to let it speak for you?
- * Is this cycle of conflict one that you would like to continue or would you prefer it to stop?
- Are these effects of the conflict acceptable to you? Why not?
- * Do you want a future in which this dispute continues to exert this influence on you and your children or would you prefer to change the way things are going?
4. Co-author a story of cooperation
- What are the actions you have taken or thoughts you have had or plans you have considered or hopes or intentions you have held that might diminish the power of this conflict?
- Do you see yourselves as reasonable people? How have you tried to show that in this matter?
- * What's the history of your relationship before this problem dispute? What difference does it make to recall these times?
- * Have their been times in this dispute when you have not been so captured by the problem/conflict?
- * Have there been any occasions when each of you has made a real effort to be fair to each other in recent days/weeks/ months? How did you do that?
- Even if you have not done any of these things, have you ever thought about doing them? Had an intention to do things differently? Planned a different response? Expressed a desire for change? Or wished that you could turn the clock back?
Build momentum of the story of cooperation
- * Have there been other occasions like that one when you did not allow the argument to take over your relationship?
- What does it mean to you to hear your ex-partner speaking with understanding?
- Does hearing that make it more likely or less likely that you could both find a solution to this matter? How does it help?
- What positive qualities does that event suggest about your relationship, even though there have been such huge problems?
- Can you think of times when you might have embodied that idea/quality/hope/goodwill in action in the course of this relationship's struggle against bitterness and despair?
- What sort of resolution/action/commitment might that spirit of cooperation require of you both in order to claim this relationship back from the clutches of argument?
- * If friends of yours were struggling with this sort of problem, what advice would you give then about how to resolve it?
Strengthen relationships to sustain the story of cooperation
- Does it make a difference to hear that? So what difference does it make, do you think?
- * Have there been some qualities to your relationship that have been sidelined by the argument?
- If you could what would you rescue that has been damaged by the conflict?
- What were you doing differently back then that you are not doing so much now?
- Can you tell me about what's going on recently to illustrate the difference between then and now?
- You say that you used to be much more respectful of each other then. How exactly did you show that? How would I recognize it if I was to come across it?
- Where did you learn those skills? Do they come naturally to you or have you studied them?
- Are there some principles that you based those actions on?
- From back then, what would suggest that you will be able to find a way out of the current difficulties?
- * Have there been any times when this dispute has let up and allowed you to cooperate more, even for brief periods of time?
- Have you ever had a break from the argument and tried any different way of relating?
- * I was wondering about how you have handled these issues in your best moments?
- Have you made any attempts to step out of the argument? To free yourself from its clutches?
- Have you experienced any lulls in the dispute when things have gone better for a time?
- What do you think it means that you are able to cooperate in this area?
- What skills did you use to prevent this issue being dragged into the conflict?
- How exactly did you work out this issue so easily? Are there some principles that might be drawn from this experience that can be used to address these other, more sticky, issues?
- Has the hope for this ideal of friendship been completely extinguished by the dispute?
- Has this ideal of friendship ever been evident, even for a brief moment?
- You look a bit surprised. Was there something that Melissa said that was news to you?
- You look a bit thoughtful. Was there something Mike said that gives you pause for thought?
- * What difference does it make to be heard?
- Does this kind of interaction make some kind of agreement more likely or not? Why?
- What do you imagine Mike would appreciate most about the ideas you just mentioned?
- What would your guess be about what I would be appreciating most in what you have been saying?
5. Prepare for agreement
- Are you able to reach enough agreement to undermine the power of this argument?
- * What are you each prepared to do/offer/commit/agree to in order to defeat this problem?
- What does your willingness to do these things say?
- If this happens, what difference will that make to how you feel about the whole thing?
- Is it important to you to reach your own resolution in this matter or is it preferable to you both that a judge make a decision for you? Why?
References
Winslade, J. & Monk, G. (2000). Narrative Mediation: A New Approach to Conflict Resolution. San Francisco: Jossey Bass. (Order book through John Wiley 1-800-225-5945, Amazon.com)
Monk, G., Winslade, J., Crocket, K. & Epston, D. (1997). Narrative Therapy in Practice: The Archaeology of Hope. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
Winslade, J. Monk, G. & Cotter, A. (1998). "A Narrative Approach to the Practice of Mediation." Negotiation Journal, 14(1): 21-43.
White, M. (1988). "The Process of Questioning: A Therapy of Literary Merit?" Dulwich Centre Newsletter, Winter, 1988: 37-46.
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